chaos theory

The Joker is right, you know.
We have no control over anything, really.
And that's not me being weird and depressed.
Just accepting it for what it is.
Kinda like in Fight Club (the book, not the movie), when Tyler says you have to be
willing to lose everything before you can really have anything.
Or something like that.

(random thoughts because my life is ever-boring at the moment, and the only thing I have to talk about is job searching which is kind of tedious. To talk about AND to listen to.)

There's a book by Steve Martin called "The Pleasure of My Company". It has long been a favorite a mine, because the main character, Daniel, is so beautifully neurotic.

He does things (largely due to his raging OCD) that don't make sense to other people. When he describes his "rules" and rituals, your first impulse is to laugh at how bizarre his mind is. And I see the humor. But I can also completely understand where he's coming from and can relate on so many levels to his neuroses.

One of the things he does, which I didn't know much about prior to reading the book, is Magic Squares. If you've never heard of this, you really should do some reading on it. It's fascinating. I think Sudoku must have been born from it.

Here's a link to an explanation of Magic Squares as used by Albrecht Durer in his work, Melancholia 1.

http://mathworld.wolfram.com/DuerersMagicSquare.html

(I don't know why his name is mispelled in the link)

I have no intention of becoming obsessed with this; numbers are not my thing.
But reading is, and for those of you who are with me, you should really read this book. For those of you who don't love reading, you can get it on cd, actually read by Steve Martin. I normally loathe listening to people read, but Steve Martin has changed all that. Is there anything this man can't do?

and you were there and you were there..

so in a fever-induced delirium, I spent most of the night last night drifting in and out of sleep and the most bizarre dreams/hallucinations.

Thing 1 is currently on a kick of reading books about people stranded, on their own, fighting for survival. So last night, being sick, and needing some reprieve from entertaining them on my own, I rented Castaway.

I went to bed soon after they did and suddenly found myself "waking up" to find Wilson in my bed. Then he was eating dinner with us at the kitchen table (surely a dream?) and then he was in my laundry basket. I mean, I guess it makes sense considering I always cry like a baby when Chuck loses Wilson in the ocean.

So, I finally was able to drift off into a more quiet sleep, only to wake up to the sound of someone playing "Iron Man" on a violin. Surely I was still dreaming. Only I wasn't. I opened one eye cautiously and there is my son in his jammies with his violin, playing Ozzy.

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. I'm feeling much better today though.

"And I know what I have to do now.
I gotta keep breathing.
Because tomorrow the sun will rise.
Who knows what the tide could bring?"

Just to say I posted.

I have SO much on my mind, but no way to really articulate much of it.
So until I can be somewhat concise, here is a post copied from a friend's blog.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I was named after one of my mom's friend's daughters, with a different spelling.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
a couple days ago. It was a cathartic cry though, so it's all good.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I like my journal-writing, because I use a great pen and it looks pretty. Otherwise, my writing is pretty normal I guess.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
ham, I guess. Not huge on lunch meat.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Why, yes I do.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I don't know. I'm pretty intense. I'd probably tire myself out.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
way too much.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
yep, even though I get tonsillitis every freaking year since I was like, 7.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
no way

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Reeses. YUM.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I don't wear shoes with ties unless I'm exercising and then yes, I untie them.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Ben and Jerry's Mint Chocolate Cookie. But I haven't had it in a LOOOONG time.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Whether or not they seem happy.

15. RED OR PINK?
red

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I doubt myself too often.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
living - the people I love. There's so many of them, and none of them are near.
not living - a friend of mine who died in college. I came across some pictures last night, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks all over again. It's surreal sometimes.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
gray yoga pants and brown shoes.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
college kids giggling. I'm in their library.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
brown

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
baking bread, Egyptian Goddess oil, cold air on my cat's fur, babies.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
my mom


26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
hockey.

27. HAIR COLOR?
right now, it's dark brownish black. I dyed it for the first time in years, and it came out quite darker than expected. It's gorgeous though. I found a couple greys a couple years ago, but none since. So that's good.

28. EYE COLOR?
dark brownish-black.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
no. I love my dorky glasses. (Rock on, Rachel)

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
chicken fettucine alfredo with broccoli.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
I like both. When my anxiety is high, scary movies can trigger panic attacks, so I stick to funny movies during those times. But I am a classic horror movie fan to the core.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Return to Me. I love that movie. David Duchovny, Minnie Driver, an unlikely love story, what's not to love?

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Brown sweater

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer! I hate winter! I hate everything about it.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Misconceptions by Naomi Wolf. It's pretty interesting.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
there isn't one here.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
I didn't watch TV last night.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
my cat purring, my kids not fighting, clicking of keyboards, showers.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles, definitely.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Seattle. I loved it. I will never forget taking a ferry into the city or going to see Puget Sound for real. That was amazing.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I can sing along to pretty much any song on the radio at any given time. It amazes my children. They flip through stations, trying to stump me. Different genres, different decades. I know them all.

46 WHERE WERE U BORN?
Rumford, Maine.

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
don't even go there.

wow.. things happen fast.

A friend of mine once said "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Ok, that was Ferris Bueller. Nonetheless, it's a pretty accurate observation.

For those of you who know the BIG story, but not the details, suffice it to say that I am probably better off not being married. I don't mean married to the man I was married to. I know I'm better off not being married to HIM. I mean, in general, I am probably better left to myself. I am too trusting, too naive, too quick to see the good in people, too quick to forgive, too slow in seeing red flags.

Good thing I don't mind being single.

Believe it or not, even after having only been married about 5.5 months before splitting up, I do value marriage. If only I had married someone who also valued marriage, I'd be all set.

So, I have my easy chair, I have a cat, I have all kinds of books to read. Spinsterhood, here I come.

yay!

The craft fair was Saturday and I kicked butt with my new products!

Then I spent all day yesterday and most of today photographing my new line (with the awesome lightbox my husband made for me) and getting it all up on my website. Here's a preview with a link to my shop.

Etsy Buy Handmade goodcleanfun

I am so freaking excited! I have about 25 fragrances I haven't even TRIED yet, but my soap closet is full of Rubbermaid containers of soaps I already have made, so I'm thinking I should try to sell out some of those first? Nah. I'll just use a bigger closet. ;)

So, I am finally getting around to posting some wedding pictures. These aren't in order, I have no idea why, but that's ok. I'm pretty all over the place, myself. (Also, I have tried 5 times and I still can't get my text to line up with my pictures right. It's driving me crazy but I need to let it go because it's late and I need to get to bed.

Mr. Phenom dancing with Thing 2 during the dollar dance.

Mr. Phenom and I dancing our first dance(s)

We had 2 songs.

"cause I love the way you say good morning,

and you take me the way I am"

"Our lives are made in these small hours,

these little wonders,

these twists and turns of fate.."

me dancing with the Girls to "If I Had a Million Dollars".

I look at this picture and can't believe I used to change their diapers.

Well, at least one of them that I can remember.

And now look at them. Unbelievable. It was very special to dance

with them on my wedding day.

The wedding limo. "My pickup truck is her limousine"

kissing.. "Gross, Mom!"

During our family vows.. I thought I would cry, but I didn't.

It was very special to have the kids make vows with Mr. Phenom.

"Mikey, can you help me with my shirt?"
"Why, what's wrong with it?"

"I don't know. I look like a vampire."

me putting on my wedding lipstick. Um.. lip balm. More specifically,

Strawberry Lip Smackers. The only thing I ever wear on my lips.

Thing 2 getting her hair curly.

This was the night before, decorating the hall. I have no idea what this face was about.

My shoes that I am in love with.

More family vows.

Our "fireworks" favors. Married on the 4th of July. Independence Day. :)

I like this picture. My dress looks too short because Mr. Phenom is like, 15 inches taller than me, but I love this picture.

We felt very awkward dancing in front of everyone. It was not only our "First Dance", it was our FIRST DANCE.

The red, white and blue cake that my mother-in-law made. It was YUMMY. We didn't save any for our 1st anniversary though. Gross. Year-old cake. I don't think I could do it. Those who know my food paranoia will understand.

We did save the bottle of wine we got though, from Ben and Jess. It's apple/blueberry wine I believe, from the Winterport Brewery.

Mr. Phenom's sister took this picture. I was off getting pretty across the street. I love this picture. Mr. Phenom doesn't.

This picture is what will be framed and on my nightstand. I don't know why. It speaks to me.

Thing 2's happy feet.

My favorite men.

Looks like an angel, huh? Don't let her fool you.

the back of my head.

my tiny hand and his huge hand. :)

And that's IT. It has been quite the chore the last couple months going through all the pictures, deciding which ones we like, which ones we love, which ones we don't love, fixing red-eye, developing, etc. etc.

My favorite picture which I don't have on the computer is the 4 of us with our backs to the camera, looking over our shoulders at the camera, and the backs of all our tee-shirts read "Just Married".

All right, I've posted twice today. Stick a fork in me; I'm done!