I know that at least 3 of you are teachers, and one of you is co-parenting. Thoughts on this?
My children's father has planned a HUGE family vacation for April, before school break. He called me first to talk to me about the vacation, as it involves taking the kids out of state and them missing a week of school. His reasons for taking this trip at that particular time were matters of convenience - not as many people, cheaper airfare, etc. But I gave my quick approval, knowing that this was something the kids would remember forever. They don't know anything about this yet, so I can't be too specific, but just think about where YOU would love to go most as a child - that's where they're going. Cool, right? Of course!
I wasn't and still am not thrilled about them missing a week of school, but it is what it is.
So here's the dilemma. He gets them for Thanksgiving on alternating years. He and his wife and their child go to New York every year for Thanksgiving to be with her family. He is asking to have them the whole week. Normally, I'd give him those "extra" days - we're pretty flexible around trips, family, etc. But that would mean them missing 3 more days of school.
So now we're up to 8 days missed that are not due to illness, etc. and that's not even counting the days they might end up missing because they ARE sick.
My gut tells me this is not a good idea. I think it sends the kids the message that school is optional when it's not convenient. I understand that this is their tradition, and it's a huge pain to work around so many schedules (his work schedule, his wife's wants, the kids' schedule) but I have a feeling that once their child is in school, they will find a way to maintain their traditions while making sure he doesn't miss school. There is somewhat of a double standard in their stepmother's eyes and he tends to bow to her will.
What are your opinions on this? I want to do what is best for them. My gut is telling me "Don't let their father make this a habit. Don't show the kids through your actions that school isn't important when you're working on other people's schedules." There is a part of me that thinks "If he wants to have the kids on Thanksgiving on his years, he'll have to figure out a way to make it work." End of story. But I want to be sure that I'm not being unreasonable. If they weren't going to be missing a week of school in April, I don't think it would be an issue at all.
Thoughts??
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6 comments:
OK, I can take this one. Let them go--they are still in elementary school, aren't they? But, you might find some non-confrontational way to share your concerns about them missing too much school particularly as they get to middle and high school--sort of make your position known now so he has time to make it seem like it was his idea.
Wow...you've got two nice issues here.
One- missing school.
While missing too much school can become an issue if it is done blatantly and for no good reason, it is not a terribly big deal in elementary. As long as the time missed is acknowledged and prepared for teachers are generally accepting of family holidays, they will most certainly prepare a package of work that the kids will miss.
Two- and this is the biggie- dealing with the ex ( and his new wife)
Open dialogue is key to blended families, I am a child of divorce, and I have a step-son from a relationship my husband was in before he met me. It has been my experience that the only way to sustain healthy and stress free relationships in blended families like these is to put the needs of the kids first. As long as the kids are loved and feel secure in their relationships with both of their parent's families the rest can really go hang. Figuring out what is best for them will get easier with each dilema like this one that you have to navigate through. Talk to your ex about your concerns and talk to your kids about what they would like to do. If they see you tackling the situation with maturity and thoughtfulness it will minimalize any subsequent issues that can arise later on, like the playing of one parent agasinst the other.
Wow. Hmm. I would have the conversation with him about your concern on missing so much school for trips. Could you switch Thanksgivings, so that when they do go to NY, it's not in the same year that they are going... elsewhere? I'd probably start there. Ultimately, it's important to attend school regularly, but it's also important for them to access the world around them. I guess I'd also talk to their dad about your concerns, and how there will come a point when the will have to miss out on this stuff if it's during school.
Good luck.
The issue is complicated by the split family issue, but here is the formula:
Family first.
School second.
Everything else third through infinitieth.
Thus spake Weather Boy.
He has a way of simplifying what I'm thinking. I am so lucky to have him, no matter what I think when he forgets to bring me a plum...
My dear porcupine,
I have no idea why you would want my opinion seeing as how we are so new to each other's blogs. (Thanks for visiting me and your kind comment, by the way.) But, even thinking that, I still am going to give you my opinion. Hey, you asked, right?
I am an elementary school teacher. A student missing school for a week or more is an enormous pain in the patootie. However, that's usually all it is, an inconvenience. I don't know a single teacher who doesn't have a pretty good understanding of blended families and divorced parents and the challenges that come with it. Plus, with your girls are still in elementary school, it shouldn't be that big a deal. High school - major problem.
Anway, for whatever my two cents are worth, I think Beth's advice is exactly right. Let them go. Make the whole thing good and positive. Later, talk to their Dad about your concerns for future planning. Later, as in after the vacation. It seems to me that way you can't possibly be seen as a party pooper, etc.
Hope your decision comes easily and feels right. Take care. Happy weekend. I'll be back soon.
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